All posts by vansir

Helping my friend on GoFundMe

My friend John who is a great photographer. He photographed me when I first started out in West Hollywood in the 90’s. I was trying to be a fashion model/actor like thousands and thousands of guys in Weho. Below are my actual model/actor calling card (comp card or zed card) back in the day. John took those photos. I was fascinated with photography and asked a lot of questions during our photoshoots. He took me under his wing and shared everything he knew about photography. He let me develop black and white photos in his darkroom. John was very generous and patient with me. We became friends.

I believe John was more than twice my age. We would eat dinner in Weho and all the queens would give us a look over… thinking “Oh, look. A sugar daddy and his boy toy.” These giggling queens would look very confused when I pull out my wallet pay for the dinners. Gosh, I don’t miss that town at all.

I didn’t have the money for art school. Or the luxury of going to school. I was just trying to survive and have a roof over my head. John taught me photography and my other friend James taught me videography. Because of John, I was able to have a book published Male Bondage by Van Darkholme. And because of my other friend James and John, I was able to become a director for Sadly, James passed away two years ago and now I only have John. These two men made a huge difference in my life. I, in turn, was able to mentor someone. Sadly, I never got the dinners… but that’s another story.

If you enjoyed my art over the years, please help me out by donating to help my friend. If you have a lot, give a lot. If you have a few dollars, please give that. I hope you all can donate to exceed his goal. That would be a wonderful Christmas gift for my friend. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and Merry Xmas, xo Van

Please visit John’s GoFundMe Page.


Merry Xmas 2018

Hello everyone! Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while. I enjoy life tremendously on my 15 acres of land and waiting for a little voice inside me to tell me what to do next. Being a steward to a large house and all this land pretty much take everything out of me, but I love it! This year, I built a chicken coop and a goat shed. See photos below. I now got 1 cat, 3 dogs, 6 chickens, and 3 goats. I’m exhausted by the end of the day tending to all my critters.

I made a video with Zane Anders. Though it was really sexy and hot, which will probably end up on sexy websites similar to ( I feel my work need to evolve. Bondage needs to evolve somehow. Shibari (rope bondage) is so overdone and I winced now every time I see it. I’m proud to take credit for bringing bondage to the mainstream with my rope video series. I may even say that I made BDSM palatable for everyone when I created I’ve been doing this for over 20 years and I feel bondage needs to evolve somehow. So, my soul told me to enjoy what’s around me. Cutting down trees, build shelters for my animals, and grow food. I need to get away from the fetish world completely so I can re-invented again. Otherwise, people (including me) tend to make the same crap over and over again.

Funny enough, my biggest inspiration was Mumford and Son. They got famous, won awards, and got rich. This year while on top of their game, they came out with a brand new album Delta, which is completely different from everything they have done. Everybody had a cow. Where’re the banjos? People are yelling, “This is not the genre you supposed to be in?” They made something completely different and I loved it! This gave me some new ideas about bondage.

Merry Xmas everyone. xo Van


Call Me By Your Name & Merry Xmas

Believe it or not, I still have Hollywood connections from years of living in West Hollywood. An old client of mine sent me a screener dvd for “Call Me By Your Name” movie. I enjoyed the first half of the movie but couldn’t figure out what’s all the big hoopla about. Then, it really touched me in the end. The last scene with the father (Michael Stuhbarg) was powerful. I rewinded that scene 3 times. Armie Hammer looks like my 2nd husband who was 6’5″ and a professional volleyball player. I read Armie’s interviews on the web. He immersed himself in this film’s reality and had a hard time walking away from it. When things are this good, naturally there’s talk about a sequel. I think Armie will be disappointed because it’s magical in its own time and space, and one can never revisit it. It will not be the same.

This film took me back to when I was 16 years old in a small Illinois farm town. My beautiful cousin came home and brought her fiance from Kentucky. He was a gorgeous 26 years old. A Ryan Gosling look-alike who’s unaware of it. I was just started dating this girl with nice tits. I knew I was gay but I was a horny teenager in this bucolic town. I made out with her a lot and I played with her tits but never went any further than that, which frustrated the hell out of her.

My cousin wanted everybody to go out for a fancy dinner on a double date. We drove for an hour to St Louis MO and ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory near the Gateway Arch. I ordered the Pot Pourri platter because it sounded worldly. As the night went on, her fiance looked at me across the dinner table with his eyes that I never forget. I haven’t seen that look ever since. Time stood still. Everything around was a low murmur. I could feel my heart beating rapidly against my chest. My cousin’s loud laughter and her rattling the messy table snapped me out of it. I had no idea where I was and the girls had no idea what just happened to me. When we got home, he asked me if I knew where to get pot. I took him across town in my cream 1969 2 door Cutlass Supreme. We got a dime bag and he rolled a couple of joints in my car. We smoked a bit, listened to David Bowie, talked about Klaus Nomi. I was getting high. He took a deep puff, gestured me to pucker my lips, leaned forward and blew his smoke into my mouth. For a microsecond, our lips lightly touched. I opened my eyes and saw his. We kissed. My world was spinning as my soul was fed for the first time. We had sex in the car and every day till he and my cousin left for Kentucky. We both had never done anything like this before. He told me that he was so confused, lost. The goodbye was tough. It was the end of the world for this 16 years old. I spent the summer missing him.

They got married and had a girl, later, a boy. I visited whenever I could. It was a long 4-hour drive to KY. The minute both of us were naked in his hunting cabin in the woods, nothing else mattered. These short moments of my head on his chest as he stroked my lower back, had to last a lifetime. The happiness was matched by the pain of our situation. I went off to UNLV right after high school. This was the days of pre internet porn sites like, email and cell phones. Writing was not an option, fearing it would be discovered by our family.

Years later, he said me moving so far away broke his heart, and that he was faithful to my cousin all these years. I was the exception. Until this day, he didn’t know why.

Merry Xmas – Love y’all xoxo Van


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