Straight For Pay

Day 28 of my 6 months sabbatical: This Mid-May I will be going to Europe for a month. I get to lie horizontal on Virgin Atlantic to London. Hanging around SoHo London for a couple of days, then jump on Turkish Air to Istanbul for a week. I can’t wait to immerse myself into the hot steamy Turkish bath. Then, back on Turkish Air to Barcelona and Madrid. I’ve never been to Spain so that will be exciting. After having my fill with sexy hairy spanish studs, I will jump on the train to Paris. Yes, Paris… my favorite city in the world. I’m staying there for a week in Le Marais district. I’m sure by then my butthole is begging to come home. I will jump on the Eurostar train… going through the chunnel and back to London. I will be in London for just a day then lie horizontal on the Virgin Atlantic back to San Francisco.The trip is costly so I decided to take on some rigging jobs at Kink’s Sex and Submission website.

Straight for Pay

I tied up women for their shoots and it was different and a lot of fun. Tying up women is much different than tying up men, many people might not realize that from scenes you can see online, but it’s clear the first time you do it. Their bodies are smaller, especially in the shoulders, and they are more squishy, where the men surfaces are harder. So it’s easier to tie up men because tying up women is like tying up a pillow. Hopefully I don’t get hate mail:) BUT!!! I think the woman’s body is more esthetically pleasing than the man’s body and I do appreciate their beauty. I can definitely see why so many people love the videos involving women more than they love the male videos.

x Van

van-darkholme-sas1 van-darkholme-sas2 van-darkholme-sas3 van-darkholme-sas4 Tying up a female model for's Sex and Submission website

Naked Yoga for Men

IDay 17 of my 6 months sabbatical:

After about 2 weeks of Bikram Hot Yoga, I’m getting used to the heat. I’ve been doing 3 sessions per week and I lost a couple of pounds. Feeling good about myself, I decided to tryout Naked Yoga for Men ( The instructor’s name is Ken and he’s really cute. Right away someone recognized me so I was feeling a bit exposed. It’s hard to believe but I’m a bit shy. I’m thinking this naked yoga thing is good for getting over my shyness.  My BFF Duncan said it best… “Van, ya borderline shy/wild.” It’s true. I’m mostly shy in real life and wild when I’m “on stage”.

Naked yoga experiences

Okay, back to yoga. The space was really nice and clean. 16 guys showed up and they were all different shapes, ages and colors. One guy stood out. He’s in his 20s with dark hair. He got this San Fran hip haircut that’s really short on the sides. He was in the very front row and I was in back of the class. Everyone took their clothes off nonchalantly while carrying on conversations. Most of them knew each other. We began our stretching and breathing. I had to glance at my 20 something year old stud during the bend over positions and I enjoyed seeing his low dangling balls tremendously. He’s the type that doesn’t know he’s hot and I liked that. The stud has this lean body, slim waist, thick thighs, firm protruding ass and a nice bushy cock. PerF’nFection!!!

It’s a beautiful thing!

I was too busy discreetly looking at him and forgot about my shyness. I learned that as I moved around a lot, my dick shrunk into nothingness. Oh well… and I was comforted by the fact that the same thing happened to half the class… not that I was spending my time looking at everyone’s dick… just one particular dick, mind you.  The funny thing is that after about 10-15 minutes or so, I’m pretty much got my fill of the 20 something stud and was able to focus on the yoga. The nakedness around me had morphed into something else.  The newness of seeing and appreciating naked beings as they are. It’s a beautiful thing.

The entire session is nice but I feel I get more of a workout with Bikram Hot Yoga. Also, I have to get used to the om chanting without giggling. I decided to do 2 Bikram, 1 naked yoga and 1 light weight workout per week. Stay tuned…

x Van



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The Ignorance of youth

Day 11 of my 6 months sabbatical:

Time to look back. It’s good to know where I’ve been in order for me to move forward. 1990 – San Francisco, I hung out with a bunch of cool kids. They were artists/Act Up activists/punks. My friend Danny Nicotetta gave me these two photos. I got all choked up looking at them. The Polaroid:  Staring at the expression on my face in the polaroid, I see a bit of sadness and discontent. It was the best time of my life and I was too ignorant to enjoy it. Youth is really wasted on the young.

Take a step back and enjoy the moment

Later, I was able to tell Spencer Reed to enjoy life. I told him when I did all my bondage shows on stage, I was too focused on the moment. Is the music right? Which one of my guys didn’t show up? The one guy is only doing the show half-assed…etc. I told Spencer to take a step back and enjoy the moment because it goes really fast. He told me that stuck with him and that makes me happy.

The B&W photo: Gay Parade SF 1991 (The PC term is SFLGBT Pride Parade). The one and only Miss Jerome Caja was on my shoulder. I carried her for blocks cause she’s about 70lbs on a good day. Gosh, I missed her. I believed I was the only one who wore long latex gloves in the entire city or country or world back in the 90s. I’m a f’n trend setter goddamit!

Youth - Van Darkholme during Pride Parade in San Francisco in 1991

Riding my beat up 450 Honda Motorcycle. Hanging out at Cafe Flore.  Gogo dancing Crystal Pistol and the Box. Got 3rd place in the Miss Uranus Pageant at the End Up. Living by myself in my 2 beds/2 baths flat at Alamo Square for $550/month. Dancing all night at the Pleasure Dome in Soma. Cruising the Buena Vista Park at 3AM. Eating at Church Street Station or Orphan Andy’s.  Cruising at Land’s End during the day and watching the ships go out to sea…

x Van



Google Images: gay bondage

Day 8 of my 6 months sabbatical:

It has already been a week away from work and yet I still can’t turn it off. I had two work related dreams. Both, I was doing an entire  shoot in my dream. It was so real with all the exhausting drama of productions. I won’t tell you because you won’t ever watch porn the same again. I woke up completely exhausted.

Wondering why I’m exhausted? Please google images for “gay bondage”:  90% of the images are from my shoots! No f’n kidding. People post these images to their blogs, websites, social media, onto, etc. It blew me away when I first found this out. I’m really proud of this. It makes me wonder just how far these images and videos have gone. The internet is a wild place, and it seems you can find my antics everywhere, from to even further beyond. It’s weirdly humbling.

x Van

Van Darkholme - Master of gay bondage
On the Bound Gods set. I sit on that stool in the foreground and look into the monitor while directing.

Bikram Hot Yoga is not for pussies!

Day 5 of my 6 months sabbatical:

I got my Manduka Mat Yoga Mat and signed up for the Bikram Hot Yoga. This place rented out mats. It’s a great idea for people who are not sure if they want to stick with yoga. Who knew.

The place was  nice… mostly women and a few men.  Once I entered the space, I felt this wave of heat over me. OMG, I panicked a little because it was so damn hot and I had trouble breathing right away. I calmed down and tried not to make a fool of myself. My yoga instructor was a cute shirtless guy in blue spandex shorts. With a  British accent, he asked who’s new to yoga here. I raised my hand along with a few women. He smiled at me. He said the session is 90 minutes and the goal for the newbies is just to stay in room the entire time.

Bikram Hot Yoga Session

After a couple of poses, I sweated like a pig and got really light-headed. I drank only a cup of coffee that day and later found out I had to drink at least 60oz of water before class. BTW, you need a big towel to put on your yoga mat. They had to stop the class and gave me one. I was such a mess. After 60 minutes I thought I lost my mind so I just sat there and breathed.

The yoga instructor said I did well and glad that I stuck through the entire class. I never felt anything like this before… exhausted and exhilarated to the max. My body felt warm all night and  I was sore all over. Stay tuned…

Update 3-17-2015: As with all new yoga mats, they need to be broken in at first because they come new, stiff and some have this slippery coating from manufacturing. The company suggest rubbing dampen sea salt on it and let it dries in the sun etc. I decided to lay my mat in my hallway and just walked on it barefoot throughout the  day.  That worked!

x Van